Like Hosea's wife i've committed spiritual adultery over and over again, i have set and prioritized countless things above Him. I've forsaken my First Love..my Breath of Life. My Jesus! It is with much bittersweet shame that i write this now. I've seen how this adulterous heart of mine have been broken and struggling to the things of this world. Things that truly held no true worth. Things of this world that will perish in time. *sigh* I truly don't know who I'm talking to right now. Is it you, Yoru? Or is it You, Lord? Or maybe this entry is a way for me to scold this prostitute heart of mine.
Oh Lord.. reading my past entries have reminded me once again how i've continuously forsaken and forgotten You over and over. A journal that brings You no glory.. Indeed this notebook has been just like those of the world. Journals created by foolish, dim-witted girls to satisfy their selfish hearts. Hearts full of greed and self. It brings me so much shame how i've written so little of You here Lord. Keeping You at the side lines as i greedily ran the race on my own.
Lord, so much have happened, so much have changed. But i rejoice in the truth that You remain the same. Yesterday, today and forever. Oh Lord, You're my beginning and my end, my Alpha and Omega. I pray Jesus that you'd continue to remind my heart of that. That i belong to You alone, not to myself, not to the world. I've been bought with a price, Your precious blood. That's why i acknowledge that You've already marked me with that seal of ownership. Nothing can ever separate me now from Your unfailing love. My God, truly even when i'm faithless, You remain faithful my Love, for You cannot disown Yourself. For i have been part of Your body ever since that glorious day when i surrendered my life into Your hands.
There is so much i want to say but it seems that my words escape me. I find myself wondering now what else to write here. But one thing i sincerely ask oh Lord, that may it constantly be the uttermost cry of my heart to remain in Your arms. Having that undivided devotion for You Lord. I pray You'll capture my heart over and over again. Make my heart Your captive, chain it to Your Being so that this strayful eyes would stay fixed on You and You alone.
Yes, there's so much to say that i cannot bring it out on paper.. but i rejoice my God, knowing that even before a word is formed on my tongue, You already know it (Psalm 139). Even before thoughts are conceived in my mind, You already know them at heart oh Lord. And i praise You for the fact that i don't need to really explain my feelings to You for You already completely understand them all. Indeed it is much joy to know that we have a High Priest who is able to completely understand and sympathize with all our struggles. Indeed Jesus, You are beautiful and awesome in each and every way.
Right now, in this moment, i sincerely ask for an undivided devotion to You, my First and True Love. Perhaps i dunno the depths of what i'm asking but i pray Father that my heart will truly be forever Yours. Bring me into the desert if You have to, i will use it to bring You glory. If this i what it takes to have a heart only for You, leading me into this desert to be alone with You.. then i will still sing Your praises and worship You even when pain is here. I trust in You my Love, My Jesus. Have Your way.
- MyMy
July 22, 2009, 3:07 AM
Cagayan de Oro City
--------------------* I remember writing this down with so much guilt and shame, but at the same time with much hope and thanksgiving. "Yoru" here is who i address whenever i write my entries, except when i pen down my devotions and prayers. Those are reserved exclusively for the Lord. But what usually happens to some of my entries is that i end up speaking to both Yoru and the Lord. Anyway, i will just formally introduce Yoru in another entry here. :)
The journal/notebook i'm referring to above is my high school journal. There were still some blank pages at the end of that notebook, that's where i wrote this entry, about 3 years after i graduated high school. I remember feeling at peace after writing this down. There were a lot of things i was going through that time, the hardest was accepting the fact that i had to move from studying college in Dumaguete to Cagayan. Dumaguete is where i really grew in my relationship with the Lord, where the church i serve is located and where the people deeply close to my heart are. For a long time i've struggled after transferring, i missed my siblings in Christ there so much..most especially the fellowship and encouragement. But even though i had to go through the pain of transferring, i knew the Lord was still at work and is using it to bring Him glory. And that wherever i may be, Dumaguete or Cagayan, i will still be in God's sight and never out of His reach.
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